I took my last drug test in January 2016, when I got off federal probation, and I’ve been toking up ever since. But with so many people getting drug tested these days and the outdated War on Drugs mentality still prevalent, it’s still not a terrible idea to know how to beat these things when they come up. As such, I contacted two experts on the subject for VICE.
I like to consider myself a pro on beating drug tests because I’ve passed numerous—even some close calls—while on probation, in prison, and on parole. I would have only tested positive for weed, but a dirty for marijuana could’ve sent me to “the hole” for 60 days or back to prison when I hit the street. I passed my first drug test when I was out on bond in 1991. I was getting ready to embark on a journey as a fugitive and had to pass the urine tests as a condition of my bond. But there was no way I was going to stop smoking marijuana. That was my lifeline back then. I went to the local head shop in Northern Virginia and bought a bottle of Golden Seal. I took the capsules, drank tons of water, and passed the test. One of many.
Cooper: THC does hide in the fat cells. It hides in the fat cells of every body—no matter their weight. These detoxifier drinks, exercising, and drinking a lot of water prior to a test can flush those things out of the system. It’s a two layer protection system. The detoxifiers will help get the THC out of the fat cells and they also supply something in case it didn’t get all of it. It covers THC leaks and hides that from the testers.
I’m not an expert and I’ve never heard of a magic bullet, but from being involved with drugs, being around addicts and ex-addicts, and from my own experiences I know cocaine, heroin, and speed are all out of your system in a couple of days. The same for LSD, which I’m not even sure can be tested for. Weed is the tough one, though, especially for a hardcore smoker. THC stays in your body for up to three weeks or more if the person is hefty. It gets in your fat cells. The important thing to remember is to drink a ton of water and try to pee it out beforehand. You don’t want to give them concentrated morning piss. You want it as diluted as possible when you take the test. That’s what I’ve learned taking literally hundreds of urine tests. I’ve also written about the many ways that prisoners beat them.
Armentano: The test itself is screening for metabolites, which are breakdown products of certain active drugs. The test is going to be more sensitive or more likely to detect those metabolites when the urine is concentrated. The less concentrated or the more diluted the sample is, the less sensitive or accurate the test is going to be. Consuming any sort of fluid, but particularly diuretic fluids, in the hours prior to a test is going to lead to a less concentrated sample, and thus is going to lead to a less sensitive test result. But of course, drug testing labs are well aware of people trying to dilute their urine through the use of fluids, and there’s a number of different ways they try to test to see if a sample is overly diluted or not. Again, it’s all cat-and-mouse kind of game.
Cooper: There are home remedies that work, but they don’t work 100-percent. There are so many different factors in terms of being able to fool these drug tests. I tell people all the time I wouldn’t take my chance with lemon juice and cinnamon and several other things you can mix together, that’s one home drink that works sometimes. I just wouldn’t take a chance with my freedom on those. I would go to a local head shop or go online and buy from a good source because that’s the only way to really pass excepting abstinence.
Armentano: Abstinence is the only sure-fire way to beat a drug test. And of course, drug tests and labs are human. It’s even possible that somebody may have never been exposed to illicit drugs and could have an unfortunate incidence where their test comes back positive anyway. That’s why our samples are generally split into an A sample and a B sample. In case something like that happens.
Can the stuff they sell at the local head shop help you beat a dirty urine?
Barry Cooper: Yeah, 100-percent. What I tell people, if they don’t have time to buy from a good online source, go to the local head shop and ask the clerk what their best detoxifier is. And it’s important not to say “Drug detoxifier” or “I’m on probation” or “employment drug test” because they won’t sell it to you. They’re not allowed to sell these [items] to pass a drug test. That’s why they’re sold as detoxifiers. The local head shops have the right product to beat the tests that are being used locally in that court [district]. That’s why I tell people to go to the head shop in whatever court jurisdiction they’re in, that’s the store they need to go to, to buy their stuff.
Are their any over the counter or internet products you recommend?
Armentano: I wouldn’t feel comfortable endorsing any product. Particularly products that are sold over the internet.
Some of the detoxifying drinks may work.