I’m not gonna lie to you… this is some bad shit. I mean, there’s porn that everyone knows… two big titted blonde lesbian nurses spanking each other, but forced feminisation is a whole other level. And the worse is… she caught you in the act… so you can’t even go for the old ‘I was doing some research’ defence.
Step 5 C: Man up
Step 6: Decide where to go from hereon in
Solving problems is an art. You need to get a few hours completely free, a peaceful place, and a pen and paper (or Google Keep if you’re walking with your phone). Then you gotta answer the following question…
Step 5 B: The truth burger
It can be adapted or completely changed, but basically you go all OJ Simpson and deny it all the way (but don’t get caught again… pulling off the ‘you stupid woman’ play a second time is not viable: “it was just a coincidence… that there was another forced fem video in the background.”)
Is that so bad? Society is still very repressed and homo/transphobic… and even if your wife is a liberal she may suffer from these things. Therefore, there is an argument that as society is prejudiced and repressed and unfair about these things… you don’t have to be completely fair ie. truthful.
When you have a problem like this and there’s a possibility that a marriage (and therefore complications with your children) are at stake… you have to be smart. That means… first of all… pleading the fifth: keep your mouth shut… and don’t open it until you know exactly what you’re going to do. Men are fools… and inevitably, while trying to make their wives feel better, say something stupid and ill considered that makes it worse. So…
The truth is, without getting all Game of Thrones and shit, a many faced God, and if children are involved (ie… a custody battle) who’s going to start getting all noble about the truth if it will damage your relationship with your children?
Felix gives advice to a husband who is caught watching sissy porn by his wife.
For more than two years, I was unable to commit to staying in our marriage. I grappled with the paradox of encouraging David’s transition to Deborah while relinquishing my husband. When I was struggling, he was invariably caring and compassionate toward me and my process. He frequently told me, “I’ll stop immediately if transitioning means losing you.” But I knew that encouraging David to be true to himself, to become “her,” was in keeping with the care and support we had always provided to each other.
We married in 1991, in our early 40s, with six children between us from previous marriages. For 20 years, we thought David’s transgender expression would always be limited to occasional dressing as a woman. He became Deborah for brief outings and intermittent weekends away with cross-dressers and other transgender folks, reveling in these opportunities to dress “en femme.” They were fun for me too, but I always welcomed my spouse’s return to the masculine role. David, however, did not.
I didn’t know what it would mean for our marriage and told him so, many times. But remaining married to a miserable man was no longer viable for me. Transitioning to female was necessary for my husband, possibly a life-saving solution to six decades of angst, self-loathing and shame. David began consuming hormones that year.
My husband’s transition forced me to make emotional and sexual transitions of my own. As his breasts developed, I didn’t want to touch my partner’s chest anymore and the female hormones destroyed his libido. There was no denying I was a “hopeless heterosexual,” as my lesbian sister once teased me. The sexual side of our relationship faded; I was losing my lover.
Leslie Hilburn and David Fabian on their wedding day in 1991, and Leslie Hilburn Fabian with spouse Deborah Fabian in 2012. Credit: Bradie Allen
Unwilling to sacrifice my own happiness, I’d have left if I had become too uncomfortable with Deborah as my spouse. But that didn’t happen. On the contrary, this experience has brought me closer to my partner. We had created a relationship vision of 19 affirmations, including: We’re each other’s best friend; we support and encourage each other’s growth; and we are open to change. Ultimately, that foundation saved my husband’s health and our marriage.
From the moment I met David – as Deborah – it was his essence that drew me in, and that has not changed. Now, nearly three years after Deborah’s coming-out in our New England community, staying married to her is without question. Our relationship is different, yes; but the love we have for one another has only deepened because of what we’ve endured and survived together. I still have a spouse with whom I am free to discuss anything, regardless of how difficult or hurtful it may be. We are each true to ourselves, and I’ve never seen my mate so happy. And this makes me happy, too.
Eventually, it became obvious that David never had been role-playing a feminine character. Rather, he had been falsely portraying a male all his life. In 2009, in response to yet another bout of David’s depression, I said, “I don’t think another therapist or a different antidepressant will work. It’s time to talk to an endocrinologist.”
I’ve never questioned my sexuality, my desire to be with a man. Still, when I first encountered the person who would become my husband, he was wearing makeup and a purple dress. We met at a gathering hosted by a mutual friend, a psychotherapist and expert on transgenderism. David, the man in the dress, was a 38-year-old surgeon and a cross-dresser. He – she in that moment – was intriguing. I saw beyond the external and was drawn in by David’s essence – his courage, his honesty, his authenticity. We’ve now been married for 23 years and I’m still in love. But since David became Deborah full-time three years ago, I’m now in love with her. As my husband became a woman, I endured a transition of my own.
Since David became Deborah full-time three years ago, I'm now in love with her. As my husband became a woman, I endured a transition of my own.