Photo on left from Getty Images. Right and all other photos via the author
When it comes to balancing a professional life with even a casual weed habit, American stoners have a delicate line to walk. Despite being recreationally legal in nine states and medicinally legal in 29, the federal ban on marijuana consumption means employers across the country have the right to refuse or terminate the employment of anyone who fails a drug test for THC.
According to a poll released by the Society for Human Resource Management, about 57 percent of American companies subject employees to drug tests. That’s down significantly from 81 percent in 1996, possibly because employers are finding it increasingly difficult to find quality candidates who are able to pass.
But do they actually, like, work? This is a question even the most diligent Googler is wont to find. As it stands, all the available information on these detox drinks seems to be either an obvious paid promotion for one brand or another, or come from anons with usernames like Stoner4Lyfe420 on eight-year old marijuana message board threads.
In the photo above, you’ll see Jolene’s first pre-drink test. It is very positive. The “C” on the test stands for “Control.” The line next to it appears whether the test is negative or positive. The “T” stands for “Test.” If a line appears in “T,” the test is negative. If no line appears, the test is positive. As you can see above, Jolene was not able to produce a “T” line because she is high af.
There are several of these on the market, “cleansing supplements” that, at a glance, seem to be nothing more than herbal energy drinks. On the back of each bottle, the language used is deliberately vague.
First up, we had Jolene try out a 17-ounce bottle of Rescue Detox. According to Karen, the very sweet Applied Sciences customer service lady we reached at the “LIVE SUPPORT” number listed at the bottom of the bottle, Jolene had to avoid eating for five hours before she did the cleanse. Luckily, it was Sunday, so Jolene had just woken up from a four and a half hour nap after spending the morning smoking and eating an entire large portion of Popeye’s mac and cheese, as one does.
The drug tests we purchased are pretty standard pee tests. Basically you wee into a cup, take the cap off the drug test, and then submerge the little rectangular piece at the end for about ten seconds. Results take about five minutes. The test we bought for the purposes of this experiment are used specifically to detect THC and nothing else.
These drinks can be expensive—up to $60 a pop—but that’s a small price to pay when your job may be on the line. They all offer the same thing: a same-day, temporary fix for your THC-tainted piss, so long as you use ‘em exactly as directed.
From the Stinger Detox to the Detoxify Xxtraclean Herbal Cleanse & Rescue Detox, we tested these detox drinks that say they’ll help you pass a urine test.
While Detoxify’s instructions don’t say anything about abstaining from food, they do suggest that you stop smoking for as long as possible before using their drinks. Once you’ve put down the pipe for a bit, drink the entire contents of the bottle, refill once with water, then pee three or four times. After that, you should be able to pass a drug test for up to the next five hours.
Most of the toxins in our bodies are mitigated and eliminated thanks to the help of our liver and kidneys. Key points to remember in keeping these filter organs happy are to drink plenty of water, eat a low sodium, low sugar diet, and try and abstain from high amounts of alcohol use. The happier these organs are, the quicker you self clean.
Got an upcoming exam that you need to “study” for? We’ve got your “drug test, how to pass” cliff notes right here.
Diet and Exercise Detox
Possibly one of the best known commercially available detox drinks on the market, Rescue Detox drinks are pretty effective. They come in a range of flavors and work within just a few hours. To use, you have to avoid eating for five hours prior to drinking the concoction. An hour or two before testing, drink the full bottle and refill with water twice. Once you’ve drank the whopping 1.5 liters of liquid, pee three times and you should be good to go clean for the nest 3-5 hours.
Rescue Detox Instant Cleansing Energy
Best Detoxifiers for a Drug Test
It’s also rare that any employer who’s trolling your urine for drugs, to differentiate between recreational use and medical. So whether you’re hitting a blunt to relax, or poppy a gummy for chronic pain, most employers don’t care. Dirty pee is dirty pee. Luckily for all users, there are some simple ways to clean your system for a drug test, fast.
Who doesn’t love a warm cup of coffee in the mornings? Afternoons, evenings… pretty much every hour of the day. Humans seem to love coffee in the same way that Sam Gamgee loves potatoes. Okay, maybe not in a stew, but definitely for every meal. Coffee is a natural diuretic, which means that it makes you pee, a lot. So coffee, coupled with good water intake will promote urination and help flush your system quick. Again, it’s suggested that you abstain from herb for at least a week prior to testing, but coffee will definitely help you flush out any residual toxins in your system. Make sure that you’re drinking it black or Americano style for you espresso lovers, as heavy dairy or sugar intake will encourage THC to stay in your system longer.
Short on time but need to clean out your body before a drug test? These detox drinks and best practices will help you prepare to pass with flying colors!